Wheel of emotions

It's been a while since I've written something in a different language, now I feel that I have to. I hate mornings, waking up in a sunlight, hearing noises from the corridor, when guys are shouting to each other. Not my cop of tea. Today, I really felt like taking a hot shower and going back to sleep after a breakfast. But the day didn't start very well. It was freezing when I woke up, Sina had opened the window and she was packing. It was sunny outside, that was a good sign, but few minutes later, it was raining again. Went to have some breakfast, it was freezing downstairs, windows were open again like yesterday evening when we were cooking dinner. There weren't any spoons left, our bread burned in a toaster. After eating burned toast, I wanted to take a shower, well I got a cold shower instead of nice, relaxing hot one. I went back to my room, got myself dressed and left outside, having no idea where I would end up. I took my Ipod with me, first time since I've been here. I took the tram, it was almost impossible to fit in, it was so full of people. I smiled to a old lady and she almost point a finger at me, what the hell are you looking at me for.

I listed to some melancholic songs, one was about fall, when a relationship started to die. I repeated that song like 10 times and I ended up coming to the library to write, because I didn't have any paper with me, what a pity. I wanted to write all of those people, I have once loved. There aren't that many, but every one of them, owns a little piece of my heart. I am emotional person, who is not afraid to jump and fall in love, but it's really difficult to find such a person, who would do the same. I am not afraid of getting hurt, I am afraid of not living my life. Heartaches and hard times, they are part of everyone's lives, and you cannot hide from them. I want to do what feels best at times, but I am always left wondering what might have happen if the other person would have had more courage to jump with me. It's only life, so why not live it as well as possible. When you find a person, who you love and who loves you, just hold on to that.

I think sometimes I'm too independent, because I feel trapped if I'm with someone, I need to spread my wings and fly, so I need to have a person, who is able to let me go from time to time, and I need to trust that he will be there waiting, when I'm ready to come down to earth again.

Sometimes I miss that there is not a person next to me, saying everything will be okay, to cuddle with me and just hold me, when I feel like the world is unfair. The more older I get, the more certain I am that I will end up alone, that I was meant to enjoy the brief moments of happiness and then letting go of them and continue my journey. I am such an old soul. I think way too much, worry about others to the point when I feel exhausted. But I love it. I wouldn't be myself, if I wouldn't feel so strongly.

I feel with my soul, with my thoughts, with my skin. I taste, I see, I speak. I'm not afraid of falling love.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

Just take care of my heart, if you own a piece of it. I'm too tired to collect the pieces from the ground, when people toss them around. I'm tired of playing your stupid games. I would have loved you, if you would have given me the chance, but I'm too far now and nothing will ever be the same. You are worth of loving, but you have to love yourself first, then you might be ready to let someone else love you. Love shouldn't be such a hard work. And somehow after everything, I gain the strength to glue my heart back together, but it will never be that same before, but it means that I have been brave enough to give it to someone, even for just a second. I feel like myself again, no one can ever take this melancholic feeling away from me. At the same time, I am really happy, but same time, I make myself cry, this is the reason, why not a lot of people understand me and my wheel of emotions.

My wheel of emotions. I am not here alone. I have my love, maybe someday some lucky person will have all of my heart. But until that happens, I wish people take a good care of the pieces of my heart that I've shared to them.